Santa Maria

“She is sticky.”
“She is controlling.”
“She is jealous.”
“She is possessive.”

I smoked my first pipe of hash on my friend’s balcony when I was 18. I’ve always been curious and had a need to explore what life has to offer. I didn’t know at the time that this was the introduction to a relationship that would last until my thirties.

There is a beautiful quality in the medicine she offers. She offers a kind of holding and sense of nurture. When I smoke after a lot of stress, there is a big relief in my body.
And for over a decade, she was the best way I knew to bring a deep sense of relief to the nervous system.

She is Mary Jane. She is Santa Maria. She is Marijuana. She is the Green Goddess.

Her flowers smell of pure divinity, a smell recognizable from long distances, and her followers come as soon as they get a sniff of the flower. They want to smell her, roll her, smoke her, and travel with her.

Her buds are mesmerizing, and you can find them in shades of green, purple, blue, and brown. Her leaves are like fans and have become a symbol of freedom and liberation.

She is tall and erect; some strains like to grow on the dry mountains of Morocco, and some strains prefer the lowlands of India. You can find her anywhere in the world, often grown indoors with fluorescent lights and a scientific method.

Santa Maria will enhance the ways you already feel. If you have trauma or feel anxious and depressed, she will increase those feelings and make them stand out.
“Hey, look at this. You are feeling anxious. Here is how a panic attack feels like!”

Santa Maria will teach you to have energetic tantric sex like you were in an Ancient Egyptian temple. She will open and expand your mind into different ways of thinking. When used consciously, she may guide open-hearted and vulnerable conversations.

When grown in a controlled environment, there is only room for her, the female, the Goddess. As soon as the grower notices a set of balls on the stem, they are cut down.

There is only space for Santa Maria. Males are used for one purpose: to grow stronger and better feminine seeds. This is her world.

If you don’t stand your ground and hold your sovereign power, if there is room for her to fit your wounding, trauma, and pain, then she will stick and hold you. Maybe for a very long time. Maybe every day. And maybe there can never be enough of her.

From here, she will teach you to find your strength. To release her control. She can be like a crutch, until you learn that you no longer need crutches.

The way to release her is to replace the crutch. Find a different way to hold yourself. Find a different way to relax your nervous system. Build a stronger, healthier support system.

Santa Maria likes to have you for herself. She will isolate you, keep you inside. She will make you leave the party early. She will make you skip dinner. She will make you lazy and stop going to the gym. She wants all of you, all the time.

Then there is shame and guilt.
“There must be something wrong with me for only wanting to smoke weed all the time.”
“I know I should stop smoking soon...”
“If I only have one...”
“Nobody will notice if I just have a couple of drags.”

Are you ready to release her?

You need earth. You need ground. You need roots.

There is a frequency in your body that is a perfect match for her.

I see it as two pathways: you can either find things with a similar frequency that will replace her, or you can change the frequency on the radio completely by doing a quantum shift.

Some tools that might be supportive and give the nervous system similar energy to what Santa Maria is giving could be yoga, meditation, breathwork, sauna, gym, or sex.

If you are looking for a quantum leap, this is what helped me:

In May 2024, I was on the floor with Doctor Iboga. He is the African witch doctor in the form of a shrub with wood, bark, and roots. He is an ancient teacher who deeply connects to the root chakra and offers powerful embodiment. He has the gift to change your world, paradigm, and reality. Things will never be the same after you go on the floor with the spirit of Bwiti.

The teaching of Iboga deserves another newsletter, but some of the quantum shifts that happened in my integration window were:

The addiction to Santa Maria just shifted, changed, and stopped.

I’ve travelled to Peru twice, done three dietas, and started working with Grandmother.

Grandmother and the diets have continued to work on my nervous system and have encouraged me to not use Santa Maria anymore.

I give gratitude to Santa Maria for always being my teacher, even as I integrate our long-term relationship and all the lessons given.

My invitation to you:

Choosing a New Frequency

If you were to shift your internal frequency today, what would you choose instead of your old patterns?

What practice, community, or embodied tool can offer you the kind of support you’ve been seeking in outdated addictions and habits?